Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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