I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
