I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
