im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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