My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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