someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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