Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
