I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
