Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
