rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
