Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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