I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
