i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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