I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
