you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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