I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
