a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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