I am spending my child support on dildos
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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