Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
