Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
