Small penises have feelings too.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
