I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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