just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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