he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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