if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
3pm strippers are depressing
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
