sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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