I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize