I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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