Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
