Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
