i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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