i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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