dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
