Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
