i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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