**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
