Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
