Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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