My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Randomize
