HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
