But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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