I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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