I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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