I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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