Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
