Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
