He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize