So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
