I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
