Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
