this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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